Tag
by MacGyversGirl
Summary: Jack buys some Tag: Bodyspray for Guys. If you have seen any of the commercials for this stuff, you'll be ready for the chaos that ensues when he wears it...
1. Grocery Shopping

**Chapter One**  
**_Grocery Shopping_**

**Author'sNote:** This is a random story I thought of the other night when I was trying to fall asleep, and had my TV on. I saw that TAG Body Spray for guys commercial on, and I wondered how the ladies on the SGC base would handle it if Jack was wearing it, and if the commercial really lives up to its potential.  
**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own Stargate, if I did the team of SG-1 would never have any replacements, at least permanently (I had to say that). I love Jack though, so writing this was very easy and not to mention, fun!  
**Spoilers:** Nada.

* * *

Colonel Jack O'Neill had just finished getting food (frozen food mostly) to restock his empty kitchen for at least a good month or so, give or take whether he got imprisoned or trapped off world. He needed to buy some more soap and other toiletries for his bathroom and his locker at the SGC next. 

He headed to the isle that said "Personal Care", and walked down it to the soap area. He grabbed a few cartons of Lever, then he got whatever shampoo was on sale. He picked up more shaving cream, and stopped to see if there was any cheap aftershave or cologne. He looked for the most interesting bottle, and added itto his basket. Hmm. It was called Tag apparently he noticed. Impervious to the realism of the warning tag on front he read it comically:

_The makers of Tag body spray are not liable for any getting down, getting funky and or anything else associated with those terms. Tag should not be used in the vicinity of any girl, woman, mother, and any terms combined with the previous words._

Laughing, he tossed the canister into the shopping cart, and went to the cash register to pay for his items.


	2. Packing and Pondering

**Chapter Two**  
_**Packing and Pondering**_

**Author's****Note:** Ok, wow I was surprised to see people wanted me to keep writing! Thanks guys! Here it is…more is coming by the way.  
**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own Stargate, if I did the team of SG-1 would never have any replacements, at least permanently (I had to say that). I love Jack though, so writing this was very easy and not to mention, fun!  
**Spoilers:** Nada

* * *

Jack O'Neill arrived at the base early the next morning to gather his gear for a mission SG-1, SG-3, and Doctor Fraiser were shipping out on later that day. According to his 2IC, Major Carter, the walk to the village would take a days walk from the gate upon arrival. They had been able to speak with a man when they had first sent the MALP through who asked for their help. He said the Goa'uld had attacked suddenly in their village the day before, and there were many wounded people from it which had explained Dr. Fraiser's companionship for the trip.

He went directly to the locker room to pack his bag up. He was glad he had remembered that he had left one of the shopping bags from the following day in his car so he could restock his locker before he forgot about it. He threw the everything in the bottom of the locker, but he added the shaving cream and that cologne. Jack remembered how likely it was that there would be a clean place to wash on the planet, and that was his intention on buying the stuff in the first place. Hopefully the spray would clean him up a little bit in a hurry because as much as he enjoyed exploring the wilderness, he actually did not prefer being grimy and dirty. Plus, he thought maybe he could introduce it to some of the villagers with uh less than perfect hygiene-of course for everyone's sake. He had come upon Teal'c recently who was questioning Carter and Fraiser about a spray bottle of perfume.

"Major Carter, I came upon a clask of a fragrant substance near your sleeping area. I believe the fragrance may be what the goa'uld Hathor may have used, and therefore, I have emptied the contents into a medical containment unit for the safety of the people" was the exact wording of Teal'c. It had been quite funny, especially when Fraiser asked what the bottle said on it, and Teal'c had said Chanel. Haha, Carter turned red as a tomato. Daniel and him had a good laugh over that, but the Doc had made Daniel and himself the recipients of two very painful not to mention unnecessary physicals the next day. But the incident had given him the idea to get something sprayable for missions.

Jack finally finished packing, and was dressed in his fatigues when Daniel came by to get him.


	3. Man to Man Advice

**Chapter Three**  
_**Man-to-Man Advice  
**_

**Author's**** Note:** Ok, wow I was surprised to see people wanted me to keep writing! Thanks guys! There will be a lot more. About the lengths of the chapters...it's just how I write. Kind of like a growth spurt, my motivation/inspiration will last for only a short time, and then I have to take a break. Oh wait, maybe I just haven't taken my Adderall... Thanks again :D  
**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own Stargate, if I did I wouldn't be writing about Jack because I would make him be here with me. Seriously. I mean it. I don't own TAG either because if I did I might have enough money to own Stargate...this all relates to me owning things doesn't it?  
**Spoilers:** Nada

* * *

Dr. Daniel Jackson and Major Samantha Carter watched as the last of their crew came through, and then they watched the gate close behind them with a loud whoosh. A man stood about fifteen feet away looking at the new arrivals curiously. 

"Uh, heya…we are the people who you talked to yesterday. This is Major Carter, I believe you arranged for this visit with her…" Jack said awkwardly as he backed away, and motioned for Carter to say something.

"Hello Forseti. I have brought help for you, and your people. These people are here to help me protect and heal your village from the goa'uld. I know you insisted that only a few people come, but they are of no harm to you, and are willing to help." Major Samantha Carter said as she approached the man. They both became engrossed in hushed conversation for a few minutes until Forseti bowed, and motioned for the group to follow.

They arrived in the small village late that night, tired and beat. Forseti handed them off to another villager where he split there group up, and led them to separate lean-to's. Everyone just fell dead asleep that night. Not one word about a meal was even mentioned, and Teal'c grabbed Daniel more than once when he fell asleep standing up. Must have been the lack of coffee on the trip.

The next morning things became animated from the crack of dawn. Daniel had ran off with some local historians to check out some rocks, Dr. Fraiser and Carter were taken to treat some wounded villagers along with two members of SG-3, and that left him, Jack, with nothing much except to do some security detail along the premises with Teal'c and the two remainders of SG-3. He definitely noted the "hygiene" factor of the people…it wasn't exactly masked. So when he met up with a friendly villager by the name of Broan who was pursuiting a girl he had fallen for, Jack decided to show him the TAG.

"What is this…device you tell me of?" said Broan as Jack searched in his pack for it.

"It's like scented water. Broan, just trust me, that girl…um Ariadne right? Well she won't be playing hard-to-get much longer-heh, she'll probably be guarding you from her friends!" Jack replied as he imagined the scene. Still with minor reluctance, Broan let Jack spray him with the stuff, and he sauntered into the town square in search of his love. He just wasn't expecting to be crushed. To death. By a pack of screaming women.

O'Neill had walked off before Broan had walked all the way back into town, so he had **no** idea what he was soon to be dealing with…


	4. That's Weird

**Chapter Four**  
**_That's Weird  
_**

**Author's Note:** Finally! The next addition to the story! Sorry to all who I have kept waiting...I did not abandon you lol. Here it is :)  
**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own Stargate. I would be married to RDA if I did.  
**Spoilers:** Nada.

**LATER THAT DAY…**

"Sam, Sam, guess…what…happened," Daniel managed to say between gasping for air and running up to Sam Carter and Janet Fraiser.

"Daniel, what's wrong? Is it the goa'uld! Did somebody get hu-" Sam was cut off quickly though.

"No, well, actually yes, but it was a freak accident." He said motioning his arms in a weird way…well for Daniel at least.

"What happened?" Janet Fraiser piped in curiously.

"Well, this younger guy…hmm he must have been in his 20s, but anyways a bunch of women tackled him, and well they pretty much crushed his body inwards or a least broke everything that was capable of breaking."

"God! Why the hell would they do something like that?" a flabbergasted Sam raved.

"Dunno."

"Daniel, are the others **sure** he is dead? I should probably give the once over just in case…" Janet said as her sentence trailed away.

"No, Janet, I checked his pulse and all. He's dead." Daniel replied grimly.

**BACK WITH JACK**

The colonel had walked into the woods after he last saw Broan enter the enclosed little market place in town. Happily walking along, he felt great that he had helped somebody out. At least **someone** found him useful.

Back at the base camp, Jack got some MITS out for dinner, and put on some water over a fire to wash his hands with. One-by-one, tired and somber, the SGC teams returned to the base. They must not have found anything ancient today, he thought looking at Daniel. But he couldn't quite reason why Carter and Fraiser were down. Weird.

When they had settled into a circle around the fire, he decided to cause a ripple amongst the silence to ask what was wrong. Hopefully this was not Carter's mood-swing-of-the-month time, and hopefully Fraiser was just tired.

"Hey, uh Carter, what's going on?"

"Nothing sir. Why?" She answered calmly.

"Why's everyone so down then?" Jack asked.

"Oh well, there was a fatality this afternoon…"

"WHAT? AND NOBODY REPORTED THIS!" he angrily slung the words at her.

"No, no sir. Not anybody under your command! It was a villager. A freak accident happened. All of us are just very…puzzled over it." Sam sheepishly answered in return.

"Oh. Well, then sorry. What happened?"

"Well, this guy kinda got crushed…" Daniel butted in.

"Yeah, so happens all the time on less advanced planets. It's sad, but it has happened before."

"Well Jack, the guy was crushed by a pack of screaming women…" Daniel said matter-of-factly.

"Oh. That is so not normal. Even for us."


	5. Usage

**Chapter Five**  
**_Usage  
_**

**Author's Note:** I tried to make it longer...I had to update though so I used what I had. Enhoy...the finale is coming!  
**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own Stargate, I wouldn't have to write about it if I did.  
**Spoilers:** Nope

* * *

**LATE AT NIGHT…**

"Ok, Carter, tell me exactly why he was crushed." Jack said as he leaned his head out of his lean-to, as she was, to talk.

"Sir, I will tell you again-there is no known reason as to why he was crushed!" Sam answered in exasperation.

"Yeah, but everything's scientific! You're a scientist/genius, how the hell don't you know what happened!"

"Sir, we can't figure out why Broan was crushed. There's not any data we can rely on for the answer, well, at least until we get around to conducting interviews with the villagers who were present."

"Thank you! That's all you hadda say." Jack said as he thwapped his hand to his forehead. Carter was back in her sleeping shelter by the time he pulled his hand away. Tired from all the unnecessary thinking, he moved back into the lean-to, and fell asleep.

* * *

The next morning, SG-1 was getting ready for an official political meeting with the town counsel that afternoon. General Hammond had warned Colonel O'Neill to, "Shut up as much as possible," at the meeting (as Jack was known for his big mouth) so he was trying to start out the day by bringing out the good spirits within his team.

First of all, Carter and Daniel had left early because they were going to have a formal brunch with the head of counsel, so that had left only Jack and Teal'c behind. Jack decided today he would finally use his TAG. After shaving with a mirror propped up on a crudely made chair, he put on his last clean black shirt, jacket, and pants he had. He put on his TAG next, but he couldn't smell it, so he added more. After about fifty sprays he could smell it, so he put the bottle away. Finally he was ready to go. Carter and Danny would be waiting there so he didn't have to go off looking for them. Walking at a brisk pace, Teal'c and Jack approached the village in no time. The villagers not involved in the internal politics that day, were sleeping still or relaxing inside their homes, as it was a free day from work due to the importance of the meeting. It was quite chilly on the planet, so both men (Teal'c too) tightened the straps on their jackets. Jack was shivering, especially as he wished he had listened to Carter when she had warned the team about the fluctuating temperatures the planet was plagued with, and to always carry warm clothes. The wind was blowing hard on the path, so when Jack finally reached the small building where the meeting was being held, he was quite dismayed to find the windows widely open and circulating air through the room as heclosed the door to the conference room.

He didn't complain though.

'Best behavior, best behavior, best behavior...' Jack reminded himself. Best behavior probably fell into the category of not complaining, so putting on his soldier front, he beared the chilly air as the negotiations began.

"Welcome Captain Carter, Teal'c, Dr. Jackson, and Colonel O'Neill. It is a pleasure to meet your whole team together finally. We have drawn a document of how much excavation we are willing to allow you to do in the ruins of the ancient ones. We also are willing to accept medicine and technology from your planet in trade for a small military base on our planet." said the Counsel-man Ocelin.

"Good, good to hear." Daniel replied politely as he started to blab about the importance of this archeological treasure or whatcha-ma-call-it. Jack was zoned out by this time. Actually he was staring. He was staring at Carter. She had forgotten to zip her jacket all the way up, and she was cold. He could tell. He zoned out, and unfortunately did not take his eyes off a Carter until it happened…


	6. What To Do

**Chapter Six**  
**_What To Do  
_**

**Author's Note:** I FINALLY updated. Yes, and now I will be hell-bent on finishing it. I also now have sufficient proof that TAG does have an effect on girls. Ah, sorry it's short btw; I will get some more up soon.  
**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own Stargate, and I don't own TAG either.  
**Spoilers:** Nope

* * *

Everything was going so slow. The meeting seemed to be going at a snail's pace, and it was no help when someone got up to close the windows; the room was now stuffy and warm. Daniel still was talking about his rocks, and it was no surprise that Jack's eyes eventually had wondered over to his 2IC during the elapsed time. He hadn't even realized that she had made contact with his gaze. She shifted in her chair as one of the council members stood up to talk, and the situation started to spiral downhill.

Jack felt a rubbing sensation on his calf. It was slightly warm…wait, was that a rubbing _foot_? What the hell?! It felt good…but it just wasn't right. He looked around. Daniel was sitting to across from him to the left, and everyone else's attention (besides Carter's) seemed to be there too. It was definitely Carter. She was staring directly at him, a sly look on her face. He mouthed to her asking just what exactly she thought she was doing, but it didn't faze her. This was so not Carter. He fought to push her foot off with his other leg, but she suddenly moved it higher. OY. VERY HIGH. He was really starting to get mad.

He fought with her leg for a few more minutes until she totally went psycho on him. It happened so fast…one minute she was in her chair and bam, the next minute she was crawling seductively across the table towards him. Her face was flushed, sweat was glistening on her face, and she had discarded her jacket. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON?!

She stopped directly in front of him, and after hooking her arms around his neck, she jumped into his lap. By now, the Major had the whole room's attention. Jack's eyes were bugging out at what was happening, Daniel's mouth was open in an "O" shape, and Teal'c was showing an intense amount of disturbance.

"CARTER?! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? CARTER! THIS IS INSUBORDINATION! DAMMIT CARTER!" Jack yelled at the top of his lungs as he struggled with the major's roaming hands. It took a great deal of effort to ignore the effect she was having on his body especially when her hands trailed south. This had to stop. This really didn't look good.


	7. Carter Gone Wild: OffWorld Edition

**Chapter Seven**  
**_Carter Gone Wild: Off-World Edition_**

**Author's Note:** Second update...I'm trying.  
**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own Stargate, and I don't own TAG either.  
**Spoilers:** Small one for Broca Divide

* * *

Jack was irked, but then…he was also a little bit amused. Carter was in his lap, tearing away at his shirt and panting from the effort. How many guys on base would die to be the next victim of a Carter Gone Wild attack? It was beginning to look very similar to that damn virus that SG-1 had fallen victim to a few years earlier, and he wasn't about to admit that he had not dreamed of that moment afterwards.

She nearly had his pants undone by the time Daniel and Teal'c pried her off of him. They stood struggling to pin her down as they waited for Jack to get up and help them carry her outside the building. Jack gave a quick glance over his shoulder and told the occupants inside that they needed a second.

"Jeez! What the hell is going on?" Jack yelled in exasperation as he shut the door firmly behind them. "She just went nuts!"

"O'Neill, Major Carter is exhibiting symptoms similar to the ones she displayed when we visited the Land of the Light. We must return to the village immediately to alert Dr. Fraiser." Teal'c responded.

"Wait, wait…guys she's settling down." Daniel interrupted suddenly. "Teal'c, I am gonna loosen my hold." Daniel did just as Major Carter caught her breath and stopped squirming. "I think the cold air is affecting her."

"Uh, guys?" a voice croaked. "Could you ah, let go of me maybe?"

"Carter, what the hell did you think you were doing?" O'Neill sputtered. "You were all over me, and then you started trying to do away with my clothes-" He continued not realizing how embarrassing the situation was. Carter looked at him incredulously and a faint tint of scarlet rose into her cheeks.

"Sir, something happened to me…I got a little bit sleepy, and I just lost control. I…don't know what to say."

"Are you alright now?" Daniel asked as Sam turned towards him and nodded.

"Sorry there Carter, all that matters right now is that you are feeling better. I am going to find Fraiser; she might have turned her radio down if she started her rounds again." Jack said as he started jogging back along the path to the campsite.

"MajorCarter, do you feel well enough to walk?" asked Teal'c as he bent down to her level. "It will be warmer indoors."

"Yeah, I'm good Teal'c. Uh, would you mind if we went back inside through a separate door? I am little bit embarrassed." She replied as Teal'c nodded. He helped her to her feet while Daniel went back inside the meeting room to explain that his teammate had fallen "ill." Everyone waited anxiously for Jack to return with Doctor Fraiser.


End file.
